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WASHINGTON, DC – Following Thursday’s Supreme Court decision to reinstate President Donald Trump’s ban on travelers from six majority-Muslim countries, the top judges on the US Supreme Court issued a sharp condemnation of the move in a very unusual, yet meaningful, statement. “Mr. President, even a Muslim country may not torture you.” The statement was a mild rebuke to the elected leader by three justices, who are sensitive to the fact that almost no judge is willing to say anything that may be perceived as critical of the president’s behavior.

“This must be seen as a response to the hapless treatment by the president of the LGBT community,” said Chief Justice Roberts. “I am not sure we can imagine anyone more deserving of such consideration.” Justices Ginsburg and Breyer concurred.

The Supreme Court did not discuss whether or not Trump’s opinion when he wanted the Justice Department to justify torture using the constitution’s protections for religious minorities is correct, but I can tell you this much: You will never, ever have to fear for your life as long as I am on the Supreme Court. I assure you I am in no way concerned about the President burning your feet with tongs, or trying to force a mustache on you.

Mr. Justice Roberts